Monday, January 25, 2010

Danger danger a new version

This piece has been a problem for me. I like this version better, but I don't want to admit what an asshole I am. However, it is way funnier written this way, so I feel compelled to post it also. But, if you wind up reading this one second I'm guessing it's not going to be that funny. How do writers do it? Editing is hard.


This afternoon I ran into Steve as I was gazing at the mural in the barber shop in lower 1st Ave., a most pleasant surprise. He accompanied me on some errands, and then we decided to pop into an open house for an apartment for sale on 2nd St. It was a small 5th floor walkup, not dissimilar to where I live now, but with modern conveniences such as light switches, which I covet because I yearn for hand made light switch plate covers.

Our plan was to pretend to be married, and going up the stairs we came up with a back story that we were moving to New York from Canada, because just moments earlier I had been mistaken for a Canadian at Russ & Daughters due to my unnatural knowledge about sturgeon. I was still formulating my elaborate story when we greeted the real estate agent who said immediately to Steve, "I've seen you before, you live around here." I was deflated that my evil plan was kicked in the butt before we even started.

On our way down the stairs, another couple was coming up, discussing whether they had ever in their lives seen so many stairs, and whether Whole Foods would deliver into the high heavens. Because I am working on my new years resolution to speak to every stranger I run into, I was presented with quite the opportunity to further my plan. I replied to them, "Oh yes, they'll deliver, but you have to pay extra - $10 per flight." They howled in disbelief, and I could hear their little minds clicking away as they added up the cost in their heads ('An extra $50 for Whole Foods if we live here? Can we afford it? How can we not afford it?'). They asked how I knew and I said, "I've lived in a 6th floor walkup for 20 years and order Whole Foods all the time."

Steve accused me of single-handedly ruining the economy of the East Village, ruining the potential income that the nice agent would have generated from this very fashion forward couple and also ruining the potential success of Whole Foods who might have lost a new customer. Sorrrrrrreeee.

2 comments:

Larry Slade said...

Seems to me that you were doing fine until you ran into this Steve person.
Had he not been so dashing and famous the real estate guy would not have recognized him.

Beyond that the rules for speaking with strangers should be considered. Just like people you know, they are not going to want to hear bad news.
And you can't lie. Was the Whole Foods thing a lie? They don't really charge 10 per flight pre bag do they?

Jill said...

Oh Larry you are so moral, it should have been you who I ran into that day.

In the other version of my story, the one that is more conciliatory, I admit that it was a lie, but not a pre-meditated one.